Do you parents call you constantly, often forgetting why they called? My mother calls me at least 3 times a day and she’s driving me crazy. She’ll call my cell phone then my home number if I don’t answer and finally my office number if I don’t answer. She’ll leave a message on all three voicemails saying “Call me when you get a chance. I have a question for you”. When I have time to call her back she doesn’t remember why she called. I ask her to ask her question when she leaves the message so I know why she called but she forgets. It’s so frustrating because I can’t drop everything at work to answer the phone and I want to help her.
Are your parents driving you crazy? I recently read a great book that’s helping me cope with my mother’s constant calls. The book is Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy? Expanded Second Edition: Getting to Yes with Competent, Aging Parents
by Joseph A. Ilardo and Carole R. Rothman and I highly recommend it if you’re getting frustrated with your aging parents.
Now in a newly revised and expanded second edition, the co-authors, therapists, and consultants Joseph A. Ilardo and Carole R. Rothman address the common problems of adult children dealing with their aging parents. Practical advice is provided for caregivers and family members having to deal with aging parents who refuse to stop driving when they can no longer safely do so; skimp on expenses when there is no need to do so; refuse to see and/or ignore their doctor; antagonize home health aides; avoid discussing end-of-life issues; as well as those who want to move in with their children. But more than this, this book has sound advice on dealing with family members who never offer to help, who resent the time the caregiving sibling spends on caring for the aging parent, actually discourages caregiving sibling involvement. There is even a section dealing with children who take undue advantage and even steal from the aging parent. Additionally, this new edition addresses the reality that assisted living is not a solution for everyone. If you have an aging parent requiring help and care, then give Joseph Ilardo and Carole Rothman’s book a careful reading. It could save time, energy, anxiety, all the while improving the quality of the relationship between an aging parent and their adult children.
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Mom called the other evening and she was very excited. She said she just got back from a great field trip with her assisted living facility and she had a fantastic time. I was so happy that she had a great time and I asked her where she went. Her response burst my bubble as I went from feeling very excited for her to very sad.
“I don’t remember what we did today but I had a great time. What did I do? Damn it I can’t remember where we went but it was a lot of fun” she said.
I asked her caretaker what they did that day and he said they didn’t leave her apartment. They stayed home and watched a playoff baseball game.
Unfortunately these memory lapses are happening every day now. They used to be occasional and slowly they became more frequent. Now the memory lapses are happening all the time. Mom’s memory is shot.
She still cares for herself and functions pretty well but we have to have someone keep an eye on her every day. She makes a total mess of her apartment every day with clothes and papers scattered everywhere. The caretaker cleans up the mess every day but within an hour it looks like a family of five came over and messes up her apartment.
It seems like Mom’s memory is getting events mixed up. She did go on a field trip to Angel Island on the ferry a few days before for a picnic. It was a beautiful day and everyone had a great day. I think she called me to tell me about the ferry ride and picnic but she called two days after it happened. In her mind the field trip happened the day she called me but it really happened 48 hours before.
It’s so hard watching Mom slowly fade away. It’s been years since I had a conversation with my real mother. The person is her body isn’t the mother that raised me. She’s just a shell of herself and struggles with remembering the simplest things. One good thing is her long term memory is still in pretty good shape. When we play trivia games she kicks our butt, quickly recalling facts from years ago. As for remembering what happened a few minutes ago, it’s so sad to watch. I pray she doesn’t live to the point where she forgets who we are. That will be so hard to deal with.
Share your stories in the Comments and tell me how you’re dealing with your fading parents.
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I keep hearing the Robert Palmer song, Doctor Doctor (Bad Case of Loving You) when my mother tells me how many doctor’s appointments she has every week.
This week she had seven doctor/alternative healing/massage/reflexology appointments. Every day she has a busy schedule running all over Marin county looking for the “magic pill” that’s going to make her feel better.
Mom has arthritis. She wakes up every day stiff and has trouble moving until she gets out of bed and starts moving around. I’m stiff in the morning and need to stretch when I wake up to get the kinks out. But Mom thinks she should wake up pain free every morning so she’s on a quest to beat father time.
Mom complains that she’s tired all the time. I’d be tired too if I was constantly running around to doctor’s appointments. She’s almost 79 years old so of course you don’t have the energy you had when you were 29. But Mom still thinks theres a magic pill or a doctor that can restore her energy.
The biggest problem is that Mom is one of those people tha thinks out loud so she’s constantly talking about every ache and pain. It’s a constant monolog of complaining and I’m really tired of hearing it. I keep telling her to focus on positive thoughts and what’s going well for her but she constantly sees the glass as half empty. She’ll never change this late in life because she doesn’t want to change. She prefers to focus on the “poor me” attitude which she’s had all of her life. It’s going be a long road so I have to keep taking deep breaths and counting to 5 before I respond to her negativity.
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