Mom’s been back home about a month after her 2 1/2 month hospital/rehab adventure from pneumonia. She started out so well, getting up every morning and getting to the 10 AM exercise class. She was feeling so well after rehab taught her how to walk properly and exercise daily. She was so strong and she stopped complaining about her aching knees and back. She was walking so well, barely using her walker and was getting around the facility with no help from anyone. The best part was Mom’s memory improved dramatically after she learned to take deep breaths and drink lots of fluid. Our mother was back and we could have intelligent conversations with her again. It was wonderful!!
We hired a caregiver to come in every morning from 8 until 10 to get Mom going, pick up her breakfast from the dining room and get her to exercise class. It was expensive, $75/day, but well worth it. After 3 weeks Mom said she didn’t need help so we discontinued the service. We decided it was best to let her try it on her own since she was doing so well. Of course the first day she was on her own, she didn’t make it to the 10 AM exercise class but she did make it to the 4 PM stretching class. Her apartment slowly became messier because the caregiver wasn’t there to clean up every morning. Soon Mom started misplacing things like the television remote, the telephone, her cell phone and bills. We thought we had all the bills transferred to my address but she called and changed her address at some point.
Now Mom is constantly dizzy and not feeling well. We constantly remind her that she needs to drink lots of water and exercise daily to feel better. She agrees but then forgets how well she felt just a few weeks ago. It’s so frustrating for us because we see how well she can do on her own with a little water and exercise but she just can’t function without some help. She’s frustrated too but doesn’t want a caregiver coming in every day. She says she want’s to do it by herself but reality is that she just can’t take care of herself anymore.
Are you having the same issues with you parents? Let me know how you’re coping with the anger/frustration/sadness in the comments.
[Caption]Technorati Tags: elder care, memory problems, parent care, taking care of parents
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I keep hearing the Robert Palmer song, Doctor Doctor (Bad Case of Loving You) when my mother tells me how many doctor’s appointments she has every week.
This week she had seven doctor/alternative healing/massage/reflexology appointments. Every day she has a busy schedule running all over Marin county looking for the “magic pill” that’s going to make her feel better.
Mom has arthritis. She wakes up every day stiff and has trouble moving until she gets out of bed and starts moving around. I’m stiff in the morning and need to stretch when I wake up to get the kinks out. But Mom thinks she should wake up pain free every morning so she’s on a quest to beat father time.
Mom complains that she’s tired all the time. I’d be tired too if I was constantly running around to doctor’s appointments. She’s almost 79 years old so of course you don’t have the energy you had when you were 29. But Mom still thinks theres a magic pill or a doctor that can restore her energy.
The biggest problem is that Mom is one of those people tha thinks out loud so she’s constantly talking about every ache and pain. It’s a constant monolog of complaining and I’m really tired of hearing it. I keep telling her to focus on positive thoughts and what’s going well for her but she constantly sees the glass as half empty. She’ll never change this late in life because she doesn’t want to change. She prefers to focus on the “poor me” attitude which she’s had all of her life. It’s going be a long road so I have to keep taking deep breaths and counting to 5 before I respond to her negativity.
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Happy Father’s Day to all fathers. Today is my first fathers’ day without my father and it’s a tough one. I think about Dad every day and how much he did for us.
Dad’s job in life was to make our lives better. He dedicated every minute of his life to his wife, his children and his friends. He was always doing something to make our lives easier.
Dad never asked for anything from us in return. Our love was enough for him. He was never into fancy cars and fancy houses. He preferred to live a simple life so he could focus on taking care of us.
With the passing of Tim Russert this week, the importance of a strong family is being repeated over and over. Tim Russert was all about family and nothing was more important to him. Russert worked harder than anyone because his father taught him to always give 100% and always do the very best you can. The result of Tim’s hard work was quality, integrity and respect. I know Tim Russert was a popular person but the outpouring of condolances is amazing. Everyone respected him for his hard work and love for his family and hometown of Buffalo.
My father comes from similar roots. He always taught us to give 100% and do the very best we can. Never give up no matter how difficult things get.
Dad also taught us to take time every day to do something for someone else. Do them a favor or just make them laugh. Dad was a firm believer that it’s always better to give than receive. He always hated Father’s Day, his birthday and Christmas because he didn’t like receiving gifts from others. He loved to give.
Thank you Dad for everything you did for us and everything you taught us. Happy Father’s Day!
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I just returned from a fantastic weekend in Cleveland where my nephew Tommy graduated from high school. Tommy was so happy and so proud of himself and it was an event that I’ll remember the rest of my life.
Here’s a picture of Tommy
My sister Connie and I flew with my mother from Oakland to Cleveland and it was an adventure. Remember travelling with an infant? Well that’s a breeze compared to traveling with an elderly parent.
With an infant you have to do everything including carrying all of the luggage, the car seat, the diapers, the food, as well as the baby. Traveling with my mother is no different except we had to wheel her around the airport in a wheel chair. She was too tired to use her walker she jumped into the first wheelchair she saw.
She sat there like a queen, making no effort to help and barking orders. “Get me some coffee and a muffin right now” she barked just as the plane startedto board. I had to run back to Starbucks and stand in line to get her coffee and a muffin so she wouldn’t “pass out” as she declared.
I’ll share some more of the trip over the next few days because its so funny and so sad at the same time. Things like her walking through the metal detector with all of her jewelry still on, setting off the metal detector and wondering why they’re searching her. It is so funny and so sad at the same time because she’s used to be an intelligent, organized person. Today she’s just a shell of what she used to be mentally and it’s really wearing us out while making us cry.
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We went to the doctor the other day and Mom got the bad news. Her short-term memory and ability to learn new skills is only 20% of other 78 year olds. Mom has been forgetful for a few years and the mini-strokes have taken their toll. She’s very scattered and has lost her organizational skills. She can’t keep track of anything and struggles to get on the internet and to play a DVD on her television.
The doctor’s put her through a complete workup to identify the source of her headaches and forgetfullness. While it’s not Alzheimer’s, they’re treating it like it is. She’s now trying some medications to see if it will stabilize her memory and to prevent further memory loss. Her memory may improve a little but it won’t return to normal.
It’s hard watching a woman that was completely obsessed with cleanliness and neatness lose her ability to keep track of things. She’s constantly misplacing things and looking for something. She lost her wedding ring a few weeks ago and we still haven’t found it. It’s really hard to watch. It’s going to get a lot harder for us.
Mom is very healthy overall but her memory loss and arthritis are slowing her down. We pray that she doesn’t live to be 104 like her father or even 90 like her mother. Seeing her fade away for another 12 or 26 years would be really hard to watch.
Tags: Alheimer’s, getting old, , memory loss
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My mother is having a really hard time remembering things for the past couple of weeks. She’s been absent minded for a few years but nothing like she’s been since I left for vacation a few weeks ago. Something has changed dramatically and she’s really struggling to get through the day by herself because she keeps misplacing things and forgetting what she’s doing in the middle of it.
She calls me constantly throughout the day and most of the time forgets why she called. She’ll write notes to herself and misplaces the notes. She can’t keep her apartment organized and keeps losing important papers. I took over the bill paying when she was in Philadelphia and most of those bills disappeared once she moved. Now she has just a few bills to pay and she wanted to pay them herself.
I showed her numerous times how to pay them online but everytime she logs in, it’s like it’s the first time she’s seen the bill paying screen. Just a few months ago she could handle paying the bills. The other day I decided to see what was going on with her bills because I got a call from Sears about a late bill. I discovered she started using all of her credit cards again and was charging one or two small purchases on numerous cards.
We took away her cards so she could just use her debit card but she reordered the cards by herself. She had 3 cards with small purchases and now a few months of late fees. A $20 purchase is going to cost her almost $100! We’re trying to help her out but she’s getting defiant because she wants to do it herself. I encourage her to keep active and involved but she just flat out forgets to do important things.
Now she’s fighting us to let her drive her car. The doctor said not to drive until they figure out what’s happening with her memory but she’s taking the car to Long’s and other short trips. We’re going to have to take away her car or contact the DMV to revoke her license if she keeps this up. Oh Dad! We really miss you and I can’t believe how you did for her. You have to be the most patient man that every lived because Mom is ultra-high maintenance!!
Tags: seniorcare, seniors driving, memory loss, late bill payments
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My mother is officially on the road again. She ventured out to Long’s to pick up some things and made it back safely (it’s only about 300 yards from her apartment). We’re very concerned about her driving because she’s unfamiliar with the area and she’s very confused most of the time. We think she’s dehydrated, causing headaches and memory loss. I told her she needs to drink at least 8 bottles of water daily and she said there’s no way she can do that. She limits her liquid intake because she’s incontinent.
We’re going back to the doctor for more tests tomorrow. They’ve done CAT scans and brain scans and they can’t find anything wrong. Mom is very forgetful and confused most of the time. She seems to be getting worse and is starting to become defiant. Her doctor told her not to drive but she’s ignoring him. I hope we don’t get to the point of having to take away her license and keys to her car.
She wants to do her own taxes and pay her own bills but she keeps losing everything. i got a call from Sears today about a past due bill. She charged $19 on her credit card and forget to pay the bill. Now there’s a $29 late fee on top of the $19 plus interest. I really want her to take care of her own bills but she just can’t do it anymore. It’s so hard to watch. We really have to keep her off the road so she doesn’t get hurt or hurt someone else.
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The other day my friend Paige asked me if my mother drove a gold Buick. He’s never seem my mother’s car so I was wondering why he asked. His theory is that all senior citizens drive either a gold Buick, a green Lincoln Towncar or a Cadillac. Well he was right because my mother has a gold Buick!
Mom’s been dying to get her California driver’s license so she can run down the street to Longs drug store to pick up odds and ends. We have a new running joke in our family these days "Have you been to Long’s today?" It seems like almost every day we’re running Mom to Longs because she forgot something. While it would be great to let Mom drive the 200 yards to Longs so we don’t have to, it scares the hell out of us to think of her behind the wheel. Mom is very forgetful these days and she’s never driven in California. She did very little driving in Philadelphia so we’re afraid to let the drive alone. We were counting on the DMV to deny her so they could be the bad guys.
Mom scheduled her appointment at the DMV to take her written test and her eye test. She doesn’t see well so we were thinking she wouldn’t pass the eye test. If she passed the eye test there’s no way she would pass the written test. I drive Mom to the DMV and we check in for her exam. They ask for 2 forms of ID and she only brought her Pennsylvania license. We have to reschedule for another day when we have her passport!
We return a few weeks later and Mom is ready to go. She’s been studying the DMV manual and taking practice tests online. My fingers are crossed that she won’t pass!! The clerk has her read a few lines of the eye chart with both eyes. She reads everything perfectly. They she has to cover her left eye and she can’t read anything. The clerk has her try a few more lines and she still can’t see them. I’m getting excited that she won’t pass!! The clerk says "It must be the glare. Come over to this machine and we’ll check you out." Damn it if the clerk didn’t miraculously let her pass the eye test!
On to the written exam at another station. The clerk hands her the written exam and Mom heads off to take the exam. I’m thinking she can’t remember what she had for breakfast so there’s no way she’ll remember the stopping distance of a car traveling 60 miles per hour. After about 20 minutes Mom heads back to get her test corrected. I see the clerk marking off a lot of the questions. Either Mom got a lot correct or the clerk is marking off a lot of incorrect answers. The clerk hands back the test and tells my Mom to answer 3 of the questions again. Mom gets those 3 right and the clerk passes her even though she missed many of the questions on the other side of the test! Damn it!
Mom was really excited and proud of herself. It was nice to see her so happy but inside I’m thinking there’s no way I can let her drive. She’s going to get hurt or hurt someone else. Now we have to somehow keep the car away from her and convince her that she shouldn’t be driving alone. She wants her car delivered to her apartment tomorrow so she can drive to Longs! Wish me luck and watch out for those gold Buicks!
Tags: seniorcitizen driving, DMV, driver’s test
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It’s been a while since I posted to this blog. Since my father passed on Thanksgiving weekend, I’ve been busy moving my mother to the west coast so she’s near my sister and me. Mom is getting settled in her independent, don’t call it assisted, living facility. The day after the funeral we jumped on a plane with Mom and moved her west. Since her house sold in October, she had no place to live and she didn’t want to stay in the Philadelphia area. She was staying in a respite room at the nursing home where my father was and she wasn’t interested in moving into their assisted living facility. She wanted a clean break from Philadelphia and a fresh start on the west coast. She’s been dying to move west for years but the high housing prices scared my father.
I have so much to share with you about the process we’ve been through. It’s been a real roller coaster and I’ve learned so much. I want to share as much as I can with you because most of you will be dealing with this same situation soon. I’ll be posting on a regular basis from now one.
Thanks for your support!!
Ted
Tags: assistedliving, independent living, senior care, senior citizens
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With great sadness I’m sorry to announce that my father passed away Monday morning. He fought as hard as he could and never gave up, even at the end of his life. Dad had a saying “If you go to the dance then you have to dance”. It was his way of saying that you need to give 100% effort all of the time and never give up until you succeed. Quitting was never an option for Dad and he never gave up hope that he could beat cancer and Parkinson’s.
On Thanksgiving Day Dad took a turn for the worse but he kept battling until his very last breath at 4:15 AM on Monday morning. It was so hard to watch him fight his last battle but there’s no way I could leave the room and let him fight it alone. We were all there comforting him and encouraging him to let go but he just couldn’t give up. Giving up was never an option for Dad and he fought as hard as he could until he had nothing left.
I’m still reeling from the past three months and I have so much to process. I’m exhausted and sad but Dad has moved on to a better place. Not being able to walk and talk was not the way Dad wanted to live his life so I’m so glad he’s moved on. Passing was not easy for him because he wouldn’t give up but he’s completed his transition from this life. I’ll share more after I get some rest and have time to process my thoughts.
Thanks to everyone that’s commented to this blog and contacted me personally with support. I have so many new friends that I know will be there when I need them in the future. Thank you again!
You can read Dad’s obituary at http://www.legacy.com/philly/DeathNotices.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=98738210
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