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When is it time to move your parents into assisted living? Mom is currently in “independent living” at her facility where she lives alone and cares for herself. Lately she’s been declining and we’re getting concerned for her well being. Her mental abilities are declining rapidly and she’s completely disorganized.
We have a caretaker coming in every day for a few hours to clean up her daily mess and keep her company. On weekends we visit her and take her to movies and dinner. It’s been working so far but as she declines more, we’re going to have to move her into assisted living. She’s going to need more care very soon so we’re starting the search for assisted living.
We’re exploring different facilities in the area and we’re considering hiring a consultant or a service to help us find the right assisted living facility. We’re considering using a company called A Place for Mom. It’s a free service and looks like they have a good reputation.
Have you used A Place for Mom or a similar service? If you’ve used a service please comment on this post and let me know the name of the company and your experience with using a service. We’re going to need to make a decision in the next month or two so your input is much appreciated.
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We went out to dinner with Mom last night to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. It was a night to forget because Mom was having a very difficult day.
I tried calling Mom on her cell phone and her home phone to let her know I was on my way to pick her up. There was no answer on either phone which happens a lot of the time because she doesn’t hear her cell phone ring if it’s in her purse. As I was pulling up I received a call from the front desk at her assisted living facility. She was calling from the front desk because she couldn’t find her cell phone or the key to her room. She sounded very confused when she called.
When I went inside to pick her up, she was in the lobby looking around like she wasn’t sure where she was. I helped her get to the car then I got an extra key from the front desk so I could look for her key and phone in her room. I found her cell phone in the pocket of a pair of pants in her hamper but I couldn’t find her key.
I came downstairs and found her back in the lobby looking for someone. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was looking for my father. I told her that he passed away three years ago and she just said “Oh that’s right” and walked back to the car. I found her room key in her purse and we drove off to dinner.
At dinner she seemed pretty good, conversing with us and joking around. Sometimes she gets really confused in a busy, loud environment like a restaurant but seemed good tonight. We finished our dinner and she started looking through her purse again. Now she was looking for a birthday card she thought she brought for her granddaughter. Mom was getting panicky as she looked through her purse and never found the card.
When we arrived back at her assisted living facility, she got out of the car and started digging through her purse again. I asked her if she needed help and she broke down, almost crying, and said she couldn’t find her keys again. I helped her find her keys and she started back into the lobby. I watched from outside to make sure she made it okay but she seemed lost in the lobby. After she turned left instead of right I went in and helped her to her room. Most of the time she goes back to her room on her own and has no trouble. Not tonight.
We got to her room and she started looking for the birthday card. I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it. She was worried because she said she wrote a large check and put it in the card. After looking everywhere for the card, I found it buried in a pile of newspapers. She never wrote on the card and never wrote a check but she insisted that she did. She broke down again and my heart just sank. She was trying so hard but she just couldn’t get it together.
Most of the time Mom can function on her own but she’s slipping rapidly. Usually she gets dehydrated and feels better after drinking enough water. I gave her a few glasses of water and got her to bed and hopefully she’ll do better today. The good days are getting shorter and less frequent so I have to enjoy every good moment with her and remember not to get frustrated when she has her bad days.
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Mom’s been back home about a month after her 2 1/2 month hospital/rehab adventure from pneumonia. She started out so well, getting up every morning and getting to the 10 AM exercise class. She was feeling so well after rehab taught her how to walk properly and exercise daily. She was so strong and she stopped complaining about her aching knees and back. She was walking so well, barely using her walker and was getting around the facility with no help from anyone. The best part was Mom’s memory improved dramatically after she learned to take deep breaths and drink lots of fluid. Our mother was back and we could have intelligent conversations with her again. It was wonderful!!
We hired a caregiver to come in every morning from 8 until 10 to get Mom going, pick up her breakfast from the dining room and get her to exercise class. It was expensive, $75/day, but well worth it. After 3 weeks Mom said she didn’t need help so we discontinued the service. We decided it was best to let her try it on her own since she was doing so well. Of course the first day she was on her own, she didn’t make it to the 10 AM exercise class but she did make it to the 4 PM stretching class. Her apartment slowly became messier because the caregiver wasn’t there to clean up every morning. Soon Mom started misplacing things like the television remote, the telephone, her cell phone and bills. We thought we had all the bills transferred to my address but she called and changed her address at some point.
Now Mom is constantly dizzy and not feeling well. We constantly remind her that she needs to drink lots of water and exercise daily to feel better. She agrees but then forgets how well she felt just a few weeks ago. It’s so frustrating for us because we see how well she can do on her own with a little water and exercise but she just can’t function without some help. She’s frustrated too but doesn’t want a caregiver coming in every day. She says she want’s to do it by herself but reality is that she just can’t take care of herself anymore.
Are you having the same issues with you parents? Let me know how you’re coping with the anger/frustration/sadness in the comments.
[Caption]Technorati Tags: elder care, memory problems, parent care, taking care of parents
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I keep hearing the Robert Palmer song, Doctor Doctor (Bad Case of Loving You) when my mother tells me how many doctor’s appointments she has every week.
This week she had seven doctor/alternative healing/massage/reflexology appointments. Every day she has a busy schedule running all over Marin county looking for the “magic pill” that’s going to make her feel better.
Mom has arthritis. She wakes up every day stiff and has trouble moving until she gets out of bed and starts moving around. I’m stiff in the morning and need to stretch when I wake up to get the kinks out. But Mom thinks she should wake up pain free every morning so she’s on a quest to beat father time.
Mom complains that she’s tired all the time. I’d be tired too if I was constantly running around to doctor’s appointments. She’s almost 79 years old so of course you don’t have the energy you had when you were 29. But Mom still thinks theres a magic pill or a doctor that can restore her energy.
The biggest problem is that Mom is one of those people tha thinks out loud so she’s constantly talking about every ache and pain. It’s a constant monolog of complaining and I’m really tired of hearing it. I keep telling her to focus on positive thoughts and what’s going well for her but she constantly sees the glass as half empty. She’ll never change this late in life because she doesn’t want to change. She prefers to focus on the “poor me” attitude which she’s had all of her life. It’s going be a long road so I have to keep taking deep breaths and counting to 5 before I respond to her negativity.
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Happy Father’s Day to all fathers. Today is my first fathers’ day without my father and it’s a tough one. I think about Dad every day and how much he did for us.
Dad’s job in life was to make our lives better. He dedicated every minute of his life to his wife, his children and his friends. He was always doing something to make our lives easier.
Dad never asked for anything from us in return. Our love was enough for him. He was never into fancy cars and fancy houses. He preferred to live a simple life so he could focus on taking care of us.
With the passing of Tim Russert this week, the importance of a strong family is being repeated over and over. Tim Russert was all about family and nothing was more important to him. Russert worked harder than anyone because his father taught him to always give 100% and always do the very best you can. The result of Tim’s hard work was quality, integrity and respect. I know Tim Russert was a popular person but the outpouring of condolances is amazing. Everyone respected him for his hard work and love for his family and hometown of Buffalo.
My father comes from similar roots. He always taught us to give 100% and do the very best we can. Never give up no matter how difficult things get.
Dad also taught us to take time every day to do something for someone else. Do them a favor or just make them laugh. Dad was a firm believer that it’s always better to give than receive. He always hated Father’s Day, his birthday and Christmas because he didn’t like receiving gifts from others. He loved to give.
Thank you Dad for everything you did for us and everything you taught us. Happy Father’s Day!
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We’re having a huge debate in our family. My mother has a laundry list of aches and pains (can you say hypochondriac?) She’s been going to every type of doctor and healer for years trying to get rid of her pain. She’s had a double knee replacement and back surgery and she still has pain. Recently she’s been doing physical therapy and getting injections in her back and hips to help the pain.
No matter what treatment she gets, she says she still has pain. After she gets a treatment I ask her how she’s feeling and most of the time she says she has no pain. When I ask a few days later, she stops and thinks for a few seconds and says her back hurts or her knees hurt. It seems more like a mantra than a real assessment of her pain.
Mom has always been the center of attention and I feel like this is her way to continue being the center of attention. I’m sure she has pain because she has arthritis in her back and hips. She wants to be 100% pain free 100% of the time which just isn’t realistic.
My sister Mary and I try to set her expectations that she has arthritis and she’s getting older. My sister Joan wants to try to fix Mom by taking her to endless holistic practitioners. Joan is just like Mom and wants to be 100% pain free 100% of the time. It’s a great goal but totally unrealistic. Joan’s spent thousands of dollars on holistic treatments and herbs for years and she still hasn’t reached her goal of being completely pain free.
Now Joan wants to take Mom on the holistic journey. Mom already goes to at least 5 appointments a week and Joan wants to increase that. She also wants to give her a megadose of herbs to treat every possible cause to her pain. Joan currently takes over 150 pills per day, all herbal, to prevent every possible disease.
Mary and I don’t want Mom to start taking 150 pills a day prescribed by unlicensed healers. The interaction of the herbs can kill her and we don’t think it will help. For holistic healing to work the patient has to believe in the treatment and really want to get better. Mom isn’t engaged mentally because of her dimensia and I really don’t believe she wants to be pain free. She needs something to complain about so she can stay the center of attention.
A huge family battle is brewing and I really don’t need this extra stress in my life. Taking care of Mom and running a business takes about 80 hours a week for me now. Adding this to the puzzle may put me over the edge.
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I just returned from a fantastic weekend in Cleveland where my nephew Tommy graduated from high school. Tommy was so happy and so proud of himself and it was an event that I’ll remember the rest of my life.
Here’s a picture of Tommy
My sister Connie and I flew with my mother from Oakland to Cleveland and it was an adventure. Remember travelling with an infant? Well that’s a breeze compared to traveling with an elderly parent.
With an infant you have to do everything including carrying all of the luggage, the car seat, the diapers, the food, as well as the baby. Traveling with my mother is no different except we had to wheel her around the airport in a wheel chair. She was too tired to use her walker she jumped into the first wheelchair she saw.
She sat there like a queen, making no effort to help and barking orders. “Get me some coffee and a muffin right now” she barked just as the plane startedto board. I had to run back to Starbucks and stand in line to get her coffee and a muffin so she wouldn’t “pass out” as she declared.
I’ll share some more of the trip over the next few days because its so funny and so sad at the same time. Things like her walking through the metal detector with all of her jewelry still on, setting off the metal detector and wondering why they’re searching her. It is so funny and so sad at the same time because she’s used to be an intelligent, organized person. Today she’s just a shell of what she used to be mentally and it’s really wearing us out while making us cry.
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We went to the doctor the other day and Mom got the bad news. Her short-term memory and ability to learn new skills is only 20% of other 78 year olds. Mom has been forgetful for a few years and the mini-strokes have taken their toll. She’s very scattered and has lost her organizational skills. She can’t keep track of anything and struggles to get on the internet and to play a DVD on her television.
The doctor’s put her through a complete workup to identify the source of her headaches and forgetfullness. While it’s not Alzheimer’s, they’re treating it like it is. She’s now trying some medications to see if it will stabilize her memory and to prevent further memory loss. Her memory may improve a little but it won’t return to normal.
It’s hard watching a woman that was completely obsessed with cleanliness and neatness lose her ability to keep track of things. She’s constantly misplacing things and looking for something. She lost her wedding ring a few weeks ago and we still haven’t found it. It’s really hard to watch. It’s going to get a lot harder for us.
Mom is very healthy overall but her memory loss and arthritis are slowing her down. We pray that she doesn’t live to be 104 like her father or even 90 like her mother. Seeing her fade away for another 12 or 26 years would be really hard to watch.
Tags: Alheimer’s, getting old, , memory loss
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My mother is having a really hard time remembering things for the past couple of weeks. She’s been absent minded for a few years but nothing like she’s been since I left for vacation a few weeks ago. Something has changed dramatically and she’s really struggling to get through the day by herself because she keeps misplacing things and forgetting what she’s doing in the middle of it.
She calls me constantly throughout the day and most of the time forgets why she called. She’ll write notes to herself and misplaces the notes. She can’t keep her apartment organized and keeps losing important papers. I took over the bill paying when she was in Philadelphia and most of those bills disappeared once she moved. Now she has just a few bills to pay and she wanted to pay them herself.
I showed her numerous times how to pay them online but everytime she logs in, it’s like it’s the first time she’s seen the bill paying screen. Just a few months ago she could handle paying the bills. The other day I decided to see what was going on with her bills because I got a call from Sears about a late bill. I discovered she started using all of her credit cards again and was charging one or two small purchases on numerous cards.
We took away her cards so she could just use her debit card but she reordered the cards by herself. She had 3 cards with small purchases and now a few months of late fees. A $20 purchase is going to cost her almost $100! We’re trying to help her out but she’s getting defiant because she wants to do it herself. I encourage her to keep active and involved but she just flat out forgets to do important things.
Now she’s fighting us to let her drive her car. The doctor said not to drive until they figure out what’s happening with her memory but she’s taking the car to Long’s and other short trips. We’re going to have to take away her car or contact the DMV to revoke her license if she keeps this up. Oh Dad! We really miss you and I can’t believe how you did for her. You have to be the most patient man that every lived because Mom is ultra-high maintenance!!
Tags: seniorcare, seniors driving, memory loss, late bill payments
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My mother is officially on the road again. She ventured out to Long’s to pick up some things and made it back safely (it’s only about 300 yards from her apartment). We’re very concerned about her driving because she’s unfamiliar with the area and she’s very confused most of the time. We think she’s dehydrated, causing headaches and memory loss. I told her she needs to drink at least 8 bottles of water daily and she said there’s no way she can do that. She limits her liquid intake because she’s incontinent.
We’re going back to the doctor for more tests tomorrow. They’ve done CAT scans and brain scans and they can’t find anything wrong. Mom is very forgetful and confused most of the time. She seems to be getting worse and is starting to become defiant. Her doctor told her not to drive but she’s ignoring him. I hope we don’t get to the point of having to take away her license and keys to her car.
She wants to do her own taxes and pay her own bills but she keeps losing everything. i got a call from Sears today about a past due bill. She charged $19 on her credit card and forget to pay the bill. Now there’s a $29 late fee on top of the $19 plus interest. I really want her to take care of her own bills but she just can’t do it anymore. It’s so hard to watch. We really have to keep her off the road so she doesn’t get hurt or hurt someone else.
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