It’s been a rough couple of weeks for M0m and our family. She’s been struggling with a urinary tract infection for the past few months which is zapping her energy and making her confused. We’ve become pretty good at recognizing her UTI’s because she doesn’t get a fever or show any signs of infection. We notice a certain “stare” or “look” about her. She also gets very absent minded and confused.
Mom was finally admitted to the hospital last week to rehydrate her and to give her an IV antibiotic treatment. We try to get the doctor to admit her to the hospital when she reaches this stage so she can get the attention she needs but it’s a hard sell if she doesn’t have a fever or show obvious signs of distress.
They only kept her overnight and released her suddenly late in the day after telling me she would be staying for a few days. It was like they suddenly needed a bed so they released her. When I arrived to pick her up she was in the hallway in a wheelchair with her nightgown on. She had an IV in her, a catheter and a plug up her nose to stop a bloody nose. She didn’t look ready to be released!!
I took Mom back to her apartment at the senior home and helped her get settled. She was totally confused and kept getting out of bed. I asked where she was going and she kept saying “I don’t know”. I finally got her to stay in bed and sat with her until she fell asleep. It was like putting my kids to bed when they were infants. In fact Mom’s acting more and more like an infant every day.
Many times over the past few days I’ve had to dress and undress my mother. There’s nothing more humiliating than a 53 year old son changing his mother’s diaper and dressing her. I guess it would be more humiliating for her if she realized what was happening to her but that part of her mind doesn’t function anymore. It’s so, so hard to watch her fade away mentally.
The next day Mom went to the dining room for lunch and took a hard fall. She hit her head requiring 3 stitches and hurt her back. They took her to the ER in an ambulance and checked her out but sent her home despite our pleas to keep her in for evaluation. She’s now in severe pain and requires 24 care. The caretakers tell us every morning that she’s not sleeping at all at night and keeps getting up and wandering around her apartment.
Over the weekend she called me and my sister over and over. It seemed like she was confused and was searching for a familiar voice. She’s struggling so much right now and there’s nothing we can do to help her except comforting her. Watching your parents grow old sucks!
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When is it time to move your parents into assisted living? Mom is currently in “independent living” at her facility where she lives alone and cares for herself. Lately she’s been declining and we’re getting concerned for her well being. Her mental abilities are declining rapidly and she’s completely disorganized.
We have a caretaker coming in every day for a few hours to clean up her daily mess and keep her company. On weekends we visit her and take her to movies and dinner. It’s been working so far but as she declines more, we’re going to have to move her into assisted living. She’s going to need more care very soon so we’re starting the search for assisted living.
We’re exploring different facilities in the area and we’re considering hiring a consultant or a service to help us find the right assisted living facility. We’re considering using a company called A Place for Mom. It’s a free service and looks like they have a good reputation.
Have you used A Place for Mom or a similar service? If you’ve used a service please comment on this post and let me know the name of the company and your experience with using a service. We’re going to need to make a decision in the next month or two so your input is much appreciated.
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Yes Mom is hitting the road this weekend, flying to Cleveland to visit my sister…by herself. She made the trip alone last Thanksgiving but she’s not the same person she was last year. Mentally she’s slowed down and easily gets confused. It’s hard for her to keep her apartment organized and she’s not capable of handling the administrative part of her life. I pay all of her bills and handle all of her administrative issues.
The flight is non-stop so once we get her on the plane she should be fine. My biggest fear is that she’ll drive the flight attendants crazy. She’s so demanding and wants everything immediately, just like a small child. Maybe we can put one of those stickers on her so the flight attendants will know they have to pay extra attention to her!
Seriously, I am concerned about her going through the new security at the airport. We’re not allowed to accompany her past security so it will be up the the airline employee to get her through. We always get a wheelchair for Mom at the airport because she just can’t walk that far anymore so it’s out of her hands once she gets into the wheelchair. We jokingly told Mom that they’re probably going to feel her up while going through the new pat down search and she was excited! “It’s been a long time since someone felt me up” she joked.
We’ll see how it goes but I think this will be the last time we’ll put Mom on a flight alone. She’s been asking if someone is coming with her so I think she’s concerned but still wants to go. We checked into sending my daughter on the flight a few weeks ago and they wanted almost $2000 round trip from San Francisco to Cleveland. That was a definite “NO” since it wasn’t even first class.
I hope everything goes well on the flight for Mom. She’s excited to go and we want her to get away while she still can. It’s so hard watching the very slow decline.
Technorati Tags: pat down search, airport security, senior travel
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We went out to dinner with Mom last night to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. It was a night to forget because Mom was having a very difficult day.
I tried calling Mom on her cell phone and her home phone to let her know I was on my way to pick her up. There was no answer on either phone which happens a lot of the time because she doesn’t hear her cell phone ring if it’s in her purse. As I was pulling up I received a call from the front desk at her assisted living facility. She was calling from the front desk because she couldn’t find her cell phone or the key to her room. She sounded very confused when she called.
When I went inside to pick her up, she was in the lobby looking around like she wasn’t sure where she was. I helped her get to the car then I got an extra key from the front desk so I could look for her key and phone in her room. I found her cell phone in the pocket of a pair of pants in her hamper but I couldn’t find her key.
I came downstairs and found her back in the lobby looking for someone. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was looking for my father. I told her that he passed away three years ago and she just said “Oh that’s right” and walked back to the car. I found her room key in her purse and we drove off to dinner.
At dinner she seemed pretty good, conversing with us and joking around. Sometimes she gets really confused in a busy, loud environment like a restaurant but seemed good tonight. We finished our dinner and she started looking through her purse again. Now she was looking for a birthday card she thought she brought for her granddaughter. Mom was getting panicky as she looked through her purse and never found the card.
When we arrived back at her assisted living facility, she got out of the car and started digging through her purse again. I asked her if she needed help and she broke down, almost crying, and said she couldn’t find her keys again. I helped her find her keys and she started back into the lobby. I watched from outside to make sure she made it okay but she seemed lost in the lobby. After she turned left instead of right I went in and helped her to her room. Most of the time she goes back to her room on her own and has no trouble. Not tonight.
We got to her room and she started looking for the birthday card. I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it. She was worried because she said she wrote a large check and put it in the card. After looking everywhere for the card, I found it buried in a pile of newspapers. She never wrote on the card and never wrote a check but she insisted that she did. She broke down again and my heart just sank. She was trying so hard but she just couldn’t get it together.
Most of the time Mom can function on her own but she’s slipping rapidly. Usually she gets dehydrated and feels better after drinking enough water. I gave her a few glasses of water and got her to bed and hopefully she’ll do better today. The good days are getting shorter and less frequent so I have to enjoy every good moment with her and remember not to get frustrated when she has her bad days.
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Do you parents call you constantly, often forgetting why they called? My mother calls me at least 3 times a day and she’s driving me crazy. She’ll call my cell phone then my home number if I don’t answer and finally my office number if I don’t answer. She’ll leave a message on all three voicemails saying “Call me when you get a chance. I have a question for you”. When I have time to call her back she doesn’t remember why she called. I ask her to ask her question when she leaves the message so I know why she called but she forgets. It’s so frustrating because I can’t drop everything at work to answer the phone and I want to help her.
Are your parents driving you crazy? I recently read a great book that’s helping me cope with my mother’s constant calls. The book is Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy? Expanded Second Edition: Getting to Yes with Competent, Aging Parents
by Joseph A. Ilardo and Carole R. Rothman and I highly recommend it if you’re getting frustrated with your aging parents.
Now in a newly revised and expanded second edition, the co-authors, therapists, and consultants Joseph A. Ilardo and Carole R. Rothman address the common problems of adult children dealing with their aging parents. Practical advice is provided for caregivers and family members having to deal with aging parents who refuse to stop driving when they can no longer safely do so; skimp on expenses when there is no need to do so; refuse to see and/or ignore their doctor; antagonize home health aides; avoid discussing end-of-life issues; as well as those who want to move in with their children. But more than this, this book has sound advice on dealing with family members who never offer to help, who resent the time the caregiving sibling spends on caring for the aging parent, actually discourages caregiving sibling involvement. There is even a section dealing with children who take undue advantage and even steal from the aging parent. Additionally, this new edition addresses the reality that assisted living is not a solution for everyone. If you have an aging parent requiring help and care, then give Joseph Ilardo and Carole Rothman’s book a careful reading. It could save time, energy, anxiety, all the while improving the quality of the relationship between an aging parent and their adult children.
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Mom called the other evening and she was very excited. She said she just got back from a great field trip with her assisted living facility and she had a fantastic time. I was so happy that she had a great time and I asked her where she went. Her response burst my bubble as I went from feeling very excited for her to very sad.
“I don’t remember what we did today but I had a great time. What did I do? Damn it I can’t remember where we went but it was a lot of fun” she said.
I asked her caretaker what they did that day and he said they didn’t leave her apartment. They stayed home and watched a playoff baseball game.
Unfortunately these memory lapses are happening every day now. They used to be occasional and slowly they became more frequent. Now the memory lapses are happening all the time. Mom’s memory is shot.
She still cares for herself and functions pretty well but we have to have someone keep an eye on her every day. She makes a total mess of her apartment every day with clothes and papers scattered everywhere. The caretaker cleans up the mess every day but within an hour it looks like a family of five came over and messes up her apartment.
It seems like Mom’s memory is getting events mixed up. She did go on a field trip to Angel Island on the ferry a few days before for a picnic. It was a beautiful day and everyone had a great day. I think she called me to tell me about the ferry ride and picnic but she called two days after it happened. In her mind the field trip happened the day she called me but it really happened 48 hours before.
It’s so hard watching Mom slowly fade away. It’s been years since I had a conversation with my real mother. The person is her body isn’t the mother that raised me. She’s just a shell of herself and struggles with remembering the simplest things. One good thing is her long term memory is still in pretty good shape. When we play trivia games she kicks our butt, quickly recalling facts from years ago. As for remembering what happened a few minutes ago, it’s so sad to watch. I pray she doesn’t live to the point where she forgets who we are. That will be so hard to deal with.
Share your stories in the Comments and tell me how you’re dealing with your fading parents.
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I read an interesting story the other day on www.cnn.com about Gary Coleman who passed away a few weeks ago. The story talked about his living will and how he wanted to be kept alive unless he was in an irreversible coma for at least 15 days. The problem is that Coleman’s ex-wife, whom he designated as his agent to make medical decisions for him, ordered the doctors to remove him from life support after just one day. You can read the entire story here.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/06/16/living.wills.coleman/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn
It’s so important for you to decide now how you want to be treated when you’re unable to make medical decisions for yourself. You need to have an advanced medical directive that spells out every scenario and how you want to be treated. Do you want to be placed on life support if you’re in a coma? How long would you want to be placed on life support? Do you want a DNR (do not resuscitate) order if you have a stroke or heart attack? You need to think about it now and get it in writing.
We’re going through this now with my mother. She’s unable to make even simple decisions for herself. She can’t remember the simplest things these days which frustrates her to no end. Luckily my parents created a living will with an advanced directive many years ago when they were of sound mind and body. There is no way she could make medical decisions for herself today and she depends on us to make them for her. When the time comes that her health fails then we have the advanced directive to guide us.
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Mom’s been back home about a month after her 2 1/2 month hospital/rehab adventure from pneumonia. She started out so well, getting up every morning and getting to the 10 AM exercise class. She was feeling so well after rehab taught her how to walk properly and exercise daily. She was so strong and she stopped complaining about her aching knees and back. She was walking so well, barely using her walker and was getting around the facility with no help from anyone. The best part was Mom’s memory improved dramatically after she learned to take deep breaths and drink lots of fluid. Our mother was back and we could have intelligent conversations with her again. It was wonderful!!
We hired a caregiver to come in every morning from 8 until 10 to get Mom going, pick up her breakfast from the dining room and get her to exercise class. It was expensive, $75/day, but well worth it. After 3 weeks Mom said she didn’t need help so we discontinued the service. We decided it was best to let her try it on her own since she was doing so well. Of course the first day she was on her own, she didn’t make it to the 10 AM exercise class but she did make it to the 4 PM stretching class. Her apartment slowly became messier because the caregiver wasn’t there to clean up every morning. Soon Mom started misplacing things like the television remote, the telephone, her cell phone and bills. We thought we had all the bills transferred to my address but she called and changed her address at some point.
Now Mom is constantly dizzy and not feeling well. We constantly remind her that she needs to drink lots of water and exercise daily to feel better. She agrees but then forgets how well she felt just a few weeks ago. It’s so frustrating for us because we see how well she can do on her own with a little water and exercise but she just can’t function without some help. She’s frustrated too but doesn’t want a caregiver coming in every day. She says she want’s to do it by herself but reality is that she just can’t take care of herself anymore.
Are you having the same issues with you parents? Let me know how you’re coping with the anger/frustration/sadness in the comments.
[Caption]Technorati Tags: elder care, memory problems, parent care, taking care of parents
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I was going through my mother’s bank statements the other day and I noticed a recurring charge for $29.95 from an online mall website. I logged into her email account to see if they’d been communicating with her and I almost fell out of my chair. She had subscribed to so many email lists that she had over 10,000 unread emails in her account.
She was getting investment tips from at least a dozen investment “gurus”. She was also receiving email from The Perfect Abs as well as numerous health “experts”. She was even learning how to cook organically even though she doesn’t cook anymore.
It took me over 2 hours to clear out her email account and unsubscribe her from the newsletters. I also discovered she was signed up for 3 credit monitoring services in addition to the online mall. She also receives a lot of junk mail that is targeted to seniors and many of the offers look very suspicious.
While I was unsubscribing Mom from the newsletters, I checked out some of the websites of these “gurus”. Many of the websites are very confusing and encourage you to click on links that will sign you up for recurring services. If you ever signed up for an account at GoDaddy.com you know what I mean. Their website is very confusing and they’re constantly upselling additional services to you.
It’s really sad to see these vultures preying on seniors who are on a fixed income and are struggling to survive financially. Even when you try to explain to your parents not to sign up for these services they just don’t understand. The websites, direct mail and telemarketers are designed to sell them services they don’t need and most of the time they don’t know they’re signing up for a recurring charge.
Keep an eye on your parents bank accounts and email accounts to make sure they aren’t being scammed!
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Mom was released from the hospital yesterday after 11 days. What a roller coaster ride it’s been! The doctors were stuck on the fact that one of her brain scans showed signs of a stroke and they were convinced that was the reason she could not swallow properly. They didn’t feed her for 10 days while they waited to see if she would get strong enough to eat. If she couldn’t eat she couldn’t get stronger so round and round we went. The strange thing is that she made a dramatic recovery in just 24 hours after barely hanging on a few days earlier.
We knew they were getting ready to release her because Medicare was about to stop paying for the pneumonia illness which was almost gone. Even though she was weak and hadn’t eaten in over a week, they were going to release her.
Finally they gave her some pudding to test her ability to swallow and she did fine except she sneezed 4 times in a row as soon as she swallowed it. We all looked at each other and said “Mom’s back!” because she’s been sneezing after every meal forever. Her Mother also sneezed after every meal so we assumed it was a family trait.
The doctor said it wasn’t good that she sneezed after she swallowed because that’s a sign she was aspirating. She’s been aspirating most of her life and it was never a problem until now. They stopped feeding her and said we may have to think about hospice since she didn’t want a feeding tube.
We were perplexed. Mom looked better than she’s looked in years despite being on just IV’s for more than a week but they were talking about putting her out to pasture. When she was at her weakest point she said she just wanted to die and didn’t ever want a feeding tube so they took that literally and gave up on her.
On Sunday morning we received a call from the hospital and they wanted permission to put in a feeding tube because she needed nutrition. Mom agreed it was okay so they were ready to put in the tube. Before they put in the tube they decided to try some soft food to see what would happen. Mom ate the food and wanted more. No sneezing, no coughing, no problem!
Finally we were heading in the right direction and Mom was on the road to recovery!!
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